I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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