I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Found your dick twin last night
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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