oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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