even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
