Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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