did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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