dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
