i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
