His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize