I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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