you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
