sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
