I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
