I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
