Pass out mid-funnel last night.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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