after a month anything with tits is on the radar
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
