I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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