I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize