my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
