chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
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