everyone is single if you try hard enough
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
