We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
