everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Enjoy the penises
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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