i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
