can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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