I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
