i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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