There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
