After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
