and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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