apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
