She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Please, let me fuck your mom
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
