So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The best revenge is premature balding
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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