I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Of course I have a pirate flag
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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