What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
