No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We left the knife in your bed.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
