He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
