happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
