I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
