you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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