dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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