Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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