I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
