Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
