we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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