I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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