I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
