Your face is a jimmy john
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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