Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
