dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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