I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
