Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
