Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize