so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
