And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did you just see the Batmobile???
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
