I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
