I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i now understand why vodka
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
