The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
