You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize