Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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