if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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