Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
