Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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