woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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