If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
