The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
